Studying the Mind While Losing Mine: My Uni Journey with Depression

When people talk about entering university, it’s usually described as one of the happiest, most liberating chapters of life. Yet, ironically, that exact period became one of the darkest era I had ever experienced.

Back then, I was majoring in Psychology and Philosophy. During my freshman year, I hit rock bottom. I felt completely lost, consumed by an overwhelming sense of losing myself.

I had always considered myself an optimistic person, someone who could self-soothe and find a silver lining no matter what happened. But for the first time in my life, I couldn’t grasp a single positive thought. My usual coping mechanisms completely failed, and I began to realize that something was genuinely wrong.

Staying for Love

For the first time, thoughts of suicide entered my mind.

The only reason I didn't carry them out was my family. I knew that if I left, they would spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves. No matter what I wrote in a farewell note or how much I tried to reassure them beforehand, nothing could stop them from carrying that guilt forever. Because I couldn't bear to inflict that pain on them, I held back. But even though I didn't act on it, the persistent thoughts continued to haunt me day after day.

Eventually, I sought professional medical help and was officially diagnosed with depression.

The Lifelines That Kept Me Going

Those university years were undeniably pitch-black. Yet, looking back, they were also the years that forced me to grow up the most.

I am endlessly grateful for the family and friends who walked alongside me through that brutal season. Left to my own devices, I would have locked myself away from the world entirely. But because of them, I was pulled out of my room and into the light. Even though the darkness and sadness didn't vanish overnight, having them around gave me enough warmth to quiet the suicidal thoughts.

The Self-Imposed Trap

Looking back, much of the suffering in those years came from the relentless pressure I placed on myself. I set unreasonably high standards and forced myself to excel even in areas I deeply disliked. But what tormented me most was the overwhelming sense that I wasn't being true to myself. Then came a sudden realization,

like waking up from a dream: Am I actually living my own life, or just performing a role?

Realizing I was living for expectations rather than my authentic self was the most agonizing part of it all.

A Sudden Moment of Clarity: A Shift in Perspective

Then came a sudden moment of clarity: As long as it’s not life-threatening, nothing is really that big of a deal. Failing? It won't kill me. Not achieving what I set out to do? It won't kill me either.

Much of our anxiety and fear stems from zooming in too close, magnifying our feelings and inflating our problems. But when you step back and look at the bigger picture, almost everything we stress about pales in comparison to the simple gift of being alive.

If you are going through your own dark room right now, please know that you don't have to figure it all out today. Just stay alive, because being alive is in itself the greatest turning point, and everything else can be worked out in time.

The Earth is round. When you feel like you are constantly going downhill, perhaps you are just taking a big lap around the world, and will eventually return to the high ground from another direction. Whether it's an uphill or a downhill path, as long as you keep walking, you are moving forward.